Humorous Hold

I know that we have had times where we were concerned with interrupting a discussion with a joke.

To address that issue (I know, it is well past time) I have set this page aside.

In keeping with our nautical theme, I have cleared one of the holds.

 

Obviously we will have some good, some , bad, and some quite ugly, but as Steve Martin said… Comedy is not pretty.

34 thoughts on “Humorous Hold”

        1. An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,

          "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku
          Klux Klan.
          This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
          I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
          Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God
          and this Christian family."
          No one moved.
          The preacher continued,
          "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
          Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
          Now stand and confess your transgression."
          Again, all was quiet.

        2. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a
          runaway train rose from the third pew.
          Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
          "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
          I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
          I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
          sheets."
          The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
          roared.
          Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.
          Give me an Amen, Sister!!!

  5. Hanging by my boob
    While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but … there were extenuating circumstances."

    The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too soooo … I listened as the lady told her story.

    "Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

    I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
    With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

    Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

    Complete darkness, the power was off! Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she
    headed for the door.

    "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you
    fussy puppy … the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

    Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men
    Extraordinaire" found me … half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

    After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

    Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."
    "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

    Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

    And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps …."

    The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

  7. A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp…h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
    The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
    ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

    "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

  12. Female Snub-nosed monkeys make eye contact with a male and show their genitals. If the male is interested, they have sex.
    Yet people still deny the connection between primates and humans.

    1. For some reason I can't get that sight to come up. (firewall on my end) Is this a new thing, or is this a rehashing of the issue from several years ago? I can't seem to find any references to anything new, but that doesn't really mean a lot.

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